Healing Isn’t Linear: Why You Keep Relearning the Same Lessons with Food (and Why That’s Okay).
It was on a recent podcast with psychotherapist Julia Samuel that I heard this Greek Proverb for the first time.
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”
Julia was talking about the expectation many of us carry, that of feeling we should only have to learn something once. Like some sort of AI bot (not Julia’s words) we imagine we should be able to assimilate new information once, process and move on. Steadily accruing knowledge in a neat, linear fashion.
This is certainly an expectation I once held for myself and one I see play out with almost every client I work with as they navigate a new relationship with food. I often hear the same questions in sessions: “Why is this so hard?” and “Why am I still struggling with this?” asked with equal parts frustration and sadness. That frustration often comes hand in hand with guilt or shame, a sense of isolation, and feelings of inadequacy, as though food and eating are so much easier for everyone else.
The Importance of Setting Realistic Expectations
It’s my job as a nutritional therapist to remind clients that the path to healing the relationship with food is never linear.
You will encounter new scenarios and new challenges that make relearning a lesson necessary, but each repeated lesson is never completely from the beginning. As the proverb reminds us, when you step in the same river again, the river is never the same, nor are you. As Julia Samuel puts it “Next time we come across the lesson, we’ve already integrated some of the learning, and we have other aspects of our experience of our lives that meet it again”.
That’s why setting expectations for this work is so important. To use a metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), rebuilding your relationship with food is like riding a bike up a mountain. Some stretches are steep and demanding, others smooth and manageable, and sometimes you can even freewheel downhill. There are moments where you’ll need to pause and catch your breath, maybe even step off the bike. But even when it feels tough, you’re still moving forward, you’ve never rolled all the way back down to the bottom.
It can be helpful to remind ourselves that we are learning a new skill, that after years of eating a certain way, we are trying something new, and to give ourselves permission to make mistakes, to fall off the bike, to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and be willing to try again. Essentially, to give ourselves a beginner’s mindset. This work doesn’t need to be done perfectly. That’s all or nothing thinking. Flexible thinking goes hand in hand with flexible eating.
Self-Compassion is a powerful Tool
This is also where self-compassion becomes such a powerful tool. As Kristin Neff writes, “when we remember that to be human means to struggle and be imperfect, we don’t feel so alone”. Self-compassion helps stop the thought spiral that can happen when we struggle. Responding to and supporting ourselves the same way we would for a friend we cared about, i.e. with kindness and understanding, can reduce stress and shame and negative emotions.
So, if you notice frustration or embarrassment about “having to learn the same lesson again,” try giving yourself permission to be a beginner. Remember that you’re having a human experience, and that every time you meet the same river, you’re meeting it with a little more awareness, and hopefully with a little more kindess to yourself.
